Running With Scissors

Weird Al Yankovic Running With Scissors Lyrics
1.Albuquerque

Here are the actual song lyrics.

Note:lyrics in italics denote lyrics that were sung.

Lyrics:

Way back when i was just a little bitty boy living in a box
under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down
the street from jerry's bait shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was
just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single
morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Awww - big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said 'hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?'
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said 'it's good for you'
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was twenty six
and a half years old

That's when i swore that someday
Someday i would get outta that basement and travel to a magical,
far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm
root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day
long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my
dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this
contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in
leonard nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but i still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque
Albuquerque

Oh yeah
You know, i'd never been on a real airplane before
And i gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with
excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was bio-dome with pauly shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'cause i had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh

So i crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally i arived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's ok, they're clean

Well, i checked into my room and i turned down the a/c
And i turned on the spectravision
And i'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my
pillow
That i love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on
the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say 'who is it?'
No answer
'who is it?'
There's no answer
'who is it?'
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally i go over and i open the door and just as i
suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut
and only one nostril
Oh man, i hate it when i'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And i'm like 'hey, you can't have that'
'that snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me'
And he's like 'tough'
And i'm like 'give it'
And he's like 'make me'
And i'm like ''kay'
So i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And i bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off
the hook
And twenty seconds later, i heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
'if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
'if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'
'if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again'
'if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator'

In albuquerque
Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But i made a a solemn vow right then and there that i would not
rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man
was brought to justice
But first, i decided to buy some donuts

So i got in my car and i drove over to the donut shop
And i walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says 'yeah, what do ya want?'
I said 'you got any glazed donuts?'
He said 'no, we're outta glazed donuts'
I said 'you got any jelly donuts?'
He said 'no, we're outta jelly donuts'
I said 'you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?'
He said 'no, we're outta bavarian cream-filled donuts'
I said 'you got any cinnamon rolls?'
He said 'no, we're outta cinnamon rolls'
I said 'you got any apple fritters?'
He said 'no, we're outta apple fritters'
I said 'you got any bear claws?'
He said 'wait a minute, i'll go check'
'no, we're outta bear claws'
I said 'well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?'
He says 'all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving,
crazed weasels'
I said 'ok, i'll take that'

So he hands me the box and i open up the lid and the weasels
jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all
over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, i think it was just about that time that a little
ditty started goin' through my head'
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh god, oh god
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh god
Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all
over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when i ran into the
girl of my dreams
Her name was zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair
the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said 'hey, you've got weasels on your face'

That's when i knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - nathaniel and superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, zelda said to me
She said 'sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record
club?'
I said 'woah, hold on now, baby'
'i'm just not ready for that kinda commitment'
So we broke up and i never saw her again
But that's just the way things go

In albuquerque
Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
Because about a week later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, i got me a part-time job at the sizzler
I even made employee of the month after i put that grease fire
out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, i was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When i see this guy marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the
stairs all by himself
So i, i say to him, i say 'hey, you want me to help you with
that?'
And marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
'no, i want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw'

So i did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like 'hey man, i was just being sarcastic'
Well, that's just great
How was i supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - torso-boy
So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a
bit in three days
Well, i knew what he meant
But just to be funny, i took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And i'm like 'hey, come on, don'tcha get it?'
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and
screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole
situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was i?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, ok
Anyway i, i know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But i guess the whole point i'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all i'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful
meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called

Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque

I said 'a' (a)
'l' (l)
'b' (b)
'u' (u)
'querque' (querque)

Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque

Albuquerque

(belch)

Here are the lyrics from the album booklet.

Note: the following lyrics are type exactly as they appear in
the booklet.

Lyrics:

Way back when i was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs in a corner of
The basement of the house half a block down
The street from jerr's bait shop... you know
The place... well anyway, back then life was
Going swell and everything was juuuuust
Peachy... except of course for the undeniable
Fact that every single morning my mother
Would . . . you know what? the rest of these lyrics
Aren't gonna fit on here. there's just no room
Left. what a drag, huh? i guess we didn't plan
This out very well . . . probably should've used a
Smaller font or a bigger piece of paper or some-
Thing. sorry. we all feel just horrible about this.
Well, i guess you'll just have to listen really carefully
And try to figure out the words for yourself.
Good luck.


2.Germs

Sometimes i really want to be alone
But that's one state i'm never in
Because i know that i've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin

(germs) i rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(germs) but they just come right back
(germs) i can't even see 'em, but i know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria

Now if i ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning i wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque

(germs) can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(germs) and there's more comin' every day
(germs) i never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria

They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmin' in my drink
They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
I got 'em way up my nose
In every orafice
I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
Just gimme some lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
Don't tell me i'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
Look under the microscope
See??

They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria
What do they want from me
What'll they do to me
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria

They're all over me
I can feel 'em all over me
Over every part of me
Microscopic bacteria
I know they're watching me
They're always watching me
They're coming after me
Microscopic bacteria
Won't somebody help me
Please somebody help me
You've got to believe me
They're out to get me
They wanna control me
They wanna destroy me
They're tryin' to kill me
It kind of upsets me


3.Grapefruit Diet

who's that waddlin' down the street
It's just me 'cause i love to eat
Fudge and twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? yes, i am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do

Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Might seem a little sever
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!

Well, i used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like kate moss
Walked down an alley and i got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck
When i'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When i leave a room
First i gotta grease the door

Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Can't have another eclair
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
I gotta decrease my derriere

I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet

No more pie now
No more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffle
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. cheese nacho
Stay away

Oh i think i'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But i need a boomerang
When i put on my belt

Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Lay off the 3 musketeers
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit diet (diet!)
'cause i haven't seen my feet in years

I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet
I'm on a grapefruit diet

I think i'm about ready for a quarter pounder with extra cheese
I need a side order of onion rings
And don't forget to super-size that


4.It's All About The Pentiums

It's all about the pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the pentiums, baby
It's all about the pentiums, baby
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at hewlett packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of ram
I never feed trolls and i don't read spam
Installed a t1 line in my house
Always at my pc, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, i ain't afraid of y2k
I'm down with bill gates, i call him 'money' for short
I phone him up at home and i make him do my tech support
It's all about the pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie i've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a dorito?
You're usin' a 286? don't make me laugh
Your windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, i bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of sarah michelle gellar
And postin' 'me too!' like some brain-dead aol-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like old yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to hellen keller

It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)

Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at hewlett packard?

Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like i do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before i opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? i dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says 'etch-a-sketch' on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, 'alt.total-loser'
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your cpu, in a box of cracker jacks?
Play me online? well, you know that i'll beat you
If i ever meet you i'll control-alt-delete you
What? what? what? what? what?

It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
It's all about the pentiums! (it's all about the pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at hewlett packard?
What??


5.Jerry Springer

it's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That i've been watchin' a bit too much jerry springer

Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here come's jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
'cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like 'when animals attack'
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver

They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin'
blame
On the air? they don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who i'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts

It's been one week since they had the fight
With the siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter fued
Between the kkk and that gay jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that jerry springer

Guy guest : baby, i've been sleepin' with your sister
Gal guest : oh? well, which one?
Guy guest : all of them
Gal guest : oh! well, i've been sleepin' with your best friend
jake!
Guy guest : yah? well, well me too!
Gal guest : oh!
Guy guest : and i've sleepin' with your dog woofie!
(barking)
Gal guest : woofie, you b-tch!
Gal guest : well, i'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
(baaahhing)
Guy guest : that goat doesn't love you!

Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your iq's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like sally jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's boom
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen

Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
'jerry! jerry!' now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should i turn off my tv? i just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one

It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said she's shtill dating twenty guys
Three days wince he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That i've been watchin' a bit too much jerry springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that jerry springer
I've got way too much class to watch jerry springer
Come over here and pull on my finger


6.My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder

Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and 'generation x'y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire

Well, my baby's in love with eddie vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that eddie vedder
Once she was mine, but now i better just forget her
'cause my baby's in love with eddie vedder

Now, every time i see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he's some big tortured genious and i'm some kinda wiener

Well, my baby's in love with eddie vedder
She's got a thing for that eddie vedder
Tell me, what can he do that i can't do better
Now my baby's in love with
I said i said i said my baby's in love with eddie vedder
Head over heels for that eddie vedder
I cant believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater
'cause my baby's in love with eddie vedder

I knew we were headin' for disaster
When she caught me hangin' out at the ticketmaster
Now she's got an unrequited adoratioon
For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated
Spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation

Well, i don't wear doc martens and i don't wear flannel
And i don't boycott the music video channel
And i just can't compete with all that money and fame
But i know two can play at this game
Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'ss get
When i start stalking alanis morissette

Well, mny baby's in love with eddie vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that eddie vedder
Once she was mine but now i better just forget her
'cause my baby's in love with
I said i said i said my baby's in love with eddie vedder
Why'd she have to fall for that eddie vedder
If she wants to leave me, i guess i better let her
'cause my baby's in love with eddie vedder


7.Polka Power!

Yeah, i'll tell ya what i want, what i really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I'll tell ya what i want, what i really really want
So tell us what you want, what you really really want
I wanna ha, i wanna ha, i wanna ha, i wanna ha
I wanna really really really wanna zigga zigga ah
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends (gotta
get with my friends)
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give (you've got to
give)
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is

Hey!

I'm not sick, but i'm not well
And i'm so hot, 'cause i'm in hell
I'm not sick, but i'm not well
And it's a sin (yes it's a sin) to live so well

Ghetto superstar - that is what you are
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh

Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody
Rock your body right
Backstreet's back, all right
All right

So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out
But now if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow but if the offer's
shun
You might as well be walking on the sun
Might as well be walking on the sun

Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic

I get knocked down, but i get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but i get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but i get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but i get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight

I wanna push you around, well i will, well i will
I wanna push you down, well i will, well i will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well i will

I want something else
To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say good-bye
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Doot doot doot doot do do do
Do do do do do do

There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind
We're all stars now in the dope show
We're all stars now in the dope show

Mmmbop, do floppa do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wap, do zap ah, do
Yeah-ee yeah
Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wop, doom zap ah, do

I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair
Who's that casting devious stares in my direction
Mama, this surely is a dream
Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream
Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is

Closing time
One last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
I know who i wanna take me home
I know who i wanna take me home
I know who i wanna take me home
Take us home

'cause it's closing time
Yeah it's closing time
We're talkin' 'bout closin' time
It's really closin' time

Hey


8.Pretty Fly For A Rabbi

Veren zol fun dir a blintsa

(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say i'm pretty fly for a rabbi

Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho

Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, i tyhink he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to dies for - he really knows his shtick

So how's by you? have you seen this jew?
Reads the torah, does his own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say 'vay iz mir!' and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! hey! do that hebrew thing!

(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim say i'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)

He shops at discount stores, not just any will sufice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!

People used to scoff, now they say 'mazel tov!'
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? what's not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white breath with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! hey! do that hebrew thing!

When he's doing a bar mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quitehhhhhip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip

(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey
(how ya doin' bernie?) oy vey, oy vey

Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho

He's doin' well, i gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says 'shalom'
And 'have some cake - you want some cake?'
Yah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, i'm so ferklempt that i could plotz
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! hey! do that hebrew thing!


9.The Saga Begins (Lyrical Adaption of 'American Pie')

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And i thought me and qui-gon jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met jar jar and boss nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to theed to see the queen
We all wound up on tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' 'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'
'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
And he can use the force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, i knew he built c-3po
And i've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute jabba started off that race
Well, i knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' 'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'
'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'

Now we finally got to coruscant
The jedi council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the force?
They interview the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because yoda sensed in him much fear
And qui-gon said 'now listen here'
'just stick it in your pointy ear'
'i still will teach this boy'

He was singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' 'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'
'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'

We caught a ride back to naboo
'cause queen amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the jedi i admire most
Met up with darth maul and now he's toast
Well, i'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess i'll train this boy

And i was singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' 'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'
'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'

We were singin' ...
My my this here anakin guy
May be vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' 'soon i'm gonna be a jedi'


10.The Weird Al Show Theme

Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhose in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tatooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the earth (of the earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth

Then one day al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a beart trap and al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on tv
So he gives al a contract and whaddya know
Now he's got his very own weird al show

(much unintelligeable talking and yelling)


11.Truck Drivin' Song

I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope i don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on

My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While i'm waiting for my nails to dry

Oh, i always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, i sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight

Because i'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels-a-rollin' until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on

Oh, i don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when i hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch

But still i'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While i'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on

I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And i'm late for my appointment down at my hair salon
So i'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on


12.Your Horoscope For Today

aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the
back of a
Speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole
seventeen hours a
Day

Pisces
Try to avoid any virgos or leos with the ebola virus
You are the tru lord of the dance, no matter what those idiots
at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty
pound
Watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to
meryl streep

Taurus
You will never find tru happiness - what you gonna do, cry about
it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff,
and then go
Back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for
today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for
today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a
javelin through
Your chest

Cancer
The position of jupiter says you should spend the rest of the
week face down in
The mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking
your driver's
Test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss's
Face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a
gallon of
Strawberry quik

Virgo
All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for
you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head
impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for
today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for
today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit
unlikely that the
Relative position of the planets and the stars could have a
special deep
Significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give
You my assurance that these forcasts and predictions are all
based on solid,
Scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some
kind of moron not
To reaize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was i?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented that
You
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your
appendix bursts
Next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an
open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you
stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of ernest borgnine you've got
hanging in
Your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but
you know
They're lying
If i were you, i's lock my doors and windows and never never
never never never
Leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for
today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for
today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for
today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today